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neil daly

I was born somewhere between the 70s and 80s, although no one seemed to notice. I kept my striped tube socks pulled up to my knees like the rest of the AYSO playing kids sporting soup-bowl-turned-upside-down haircuts. But it wasn't until 1986 that my life purpose began to take form. It was in late January at a superbowl party celebrating the Chicago Bears victory when I slipped on the melted-snow-soaked floor and threw my left arm out to catch myself from falling. Unfortunately, the only thing near was the front-burner-lit gas stove which hadn't yet been turned down from the 7 layer nacho dip removed just moments before. First my fingers ignited, followed by the rest of my arm as my pre-grunge-scene flannel shirt became engulfed in flame. Medical technology, not being what it is today, left me with little choice but to opt for a screw-on wood and plastic left hand.

I suffered through the rest of my teenage years and movies like "Mannequin" certainly didn't disuade any children from pointing real fingers and laughing. But it wasn't until 1991 that i could laugh back. It was January 3rd and I was just leaving a New Years Eve party when my stolen Fiero hit a patch of black ice and spun helplessly out of control and into a frigid Lake Michigan. The window knocked me unconscious and i surely would've drowned had it not been for the wooden arm that kept me afloat. I remained partially submerged in sub-temperature waters for nearly a week before an ice-fishing boat reeled me in with their catch. The icy waters slowed my heart beat to almost nothing and doctors spent the better part of the next 12 hours trying to resusitate me. They wrapped me in electric blankets to raise my temperature but neglected to dry me off first, sending nearly 10,000 volts through my convulsing body before my heart and brain waves regained their normal rhythms. But my life as a somewhat normal child was long gone. I had acquired certain powers... the ability to move objects seemingly at will, via static electricity. I could summon an electric shockwave at a moment's notice and distort the physical matter of objects by either varying the wavelengths and frequencies of the invisible waves around said object or by simply speeding up the molecular movement of an object's atoms. I also gained the ability to start fire by raising the temperature of the surrounding air to extraordinary and even dangerous levels.

Needless to say, it didn't take long for the government to get involved. They fitted my left arm with a proto-type G.I. Joe "swivel-arm battle grip," which although un-noticeable to the human eye, can move 360 degrees in any direction from the elbow and can generate 50 times normal human hand speed and 75 times normal grip strength. I now work for the Secret Service on "special" missions designed to protect the integrity of our country and free-lance for NASA.

Oh, and I hunt vampires.